Commentary #2

The author has a good beginning but the thesis needs to be improved. I feel the thesis has nothing to do with your position on the rhetorical effectiveness of the piece, it is just regurgitating the argument that Hitchens makes. The thesis needs to show your position on how successful the piece was at using rhetorical strategies to makes the argument. For the thesis, I would consider finding what you thought of the piece and how these strategies affected your opinion of it. 

The paragraph of ethos is off to a good start, but it can be expanded more. The topic sentence does not really refer back to your thesis. Also the content that follows in the paragraph does not really relate to the topic sentence. Your first example was really strong in how Hitchens alludes to ethos by building a bridge and relating to his audience. Your second point was great. Hitchens has immense amount of credibility because he underwent a session of waterboarding. I think you should expand on that a little more because it was very effective. I think you should show more of the success of these appeals for the reader.

A lot of time needs to be spent on the section that appeals to pathos. There is not real direct evidence pulled from the original text. While you did paraphrase, I think it would be more effective if you used direct quotes. I think you could go in the direction of talking about the concrete and vivid diction used while Hitchens describes his experience being waterboarded. You could also talk about the specific details that Hitchens goes into before the actual act. Then tie in how effective these appeals to pathos are.

The topic sentence for the logos section talks about the effects of logos in the text, but it does not talk about how successful or not the appeals to logos were in the argument that Hitchens made. Instead it talks about a claim that can be inferred from the core argument that the author makes. The first piece of evidence that you used was good, but I think it could be made stronger. I think many people would counter that point and say that this is just one incident and does not represent the great majority of intelligence gathered from this technique. Your evaluation of the quote was good, but it should include how successful it was for the audience. I think another concrete piece of evidence, like a quote, could greatly benefit this section. 

The appeal to kairos was good and could be expanded upon. I would consider removing the history after 2008 when the piece was written. I think the sole focus should be placed during the time leading up to when this piece was written.

To earn a better score, the thesis must be improved. It should not repeat the argument that Hitchens made in his piece. It has to be your evaluation of his argument and talk about whether the appeals to the rhetorical strategies were successful or not. After that, all body paragraphs with their examples should tie back to your thesis. Once that is completed, you will earn an excellent grade.