Commentary #1

Overall, I felt this to be a very compelling argument. The crux of the argument was very strong, but it does need some refining. Your thesis and your claim is very good; however I feel I could be improved by replacing "distractions" with something much more specific. Maybe elaborate a little more on what these distractions are that come from excessive use of technology for communicating with others. Your reasons that support your claim are solid. However, when I read this I only get the sense that you are presenting one reason. All of the paragraphs pertain to essentially the same idea. I believe what would make this argument stronger could be to introduce another strong, compelling reason to support this claim.

            One piece of evidence that I take issue with is the quote that you use from the Fisoun source in the second paragraph on page three. Throughout this paragraph your main point was the people's behavior on-line can lead to an anti-social alienation, which is a valid reason coming from your claim. However this quote concludes that more people are working for their employers from home. I do not see how this conclusion is relative for your claim. One thing that could enhance this paragraph could be to include a piece of evidence  talks about how people  fabricate their lives online. I think a good piece of evidence could be a statistic showing how many people make up things about their life online. This adds to the whole idea that once people are exposed for who they really are and they cannot hide behind a computer screen, then they will feel some "anti-social alienation".

            There was no real consideration for the opposing view. A good acknowledgement of the different views on this subject, I believe, will greatly enhance the argument. After that, poke holes in those views by using a strong piece of evidence such as a statistic, a study, or a conclusion by someone highly regarded in this field, which will thus enhance your own argument, possibly causing your audience to sway to your position.

            A major asset that you have related to your position is your personal experience with this subject. I found the most effective parts of the piece were when you are able to share your personal experience. I think that gives life to your argument and it made me connect with the argument even more. It also establishes credibility on your behalf and I can trust you more on your position. I would consider a lot more personal experience in this piece.